Radio-controlled is just askin’ for trouble, though.

If you’re going to use a puppet or build a model to be manipulated with strings or wires, make the strings removable at the model or puppet, so that if you’re doing a shot that doesn’t need this or that wire, you can physically remove it.

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“Hey, who is that guy?!”

Have your background extras dress and appear as generic as possible. This includes clothing, hair, whatever. If you notice them, they’re doing it wrong.

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You could always use a film camera, too.

If you want your video to look like film, one of the most effective choices you can make is to light it like film.

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Target: Good boundaries!

If you want to get a little experience under your belt, browsing online classifieds (such as Craigslist, Mandy, etc.) can help you find productions in your area that are crewing or casting. Usually, they pay little or nothing, but if you’re just starting to learn, this sort of experience can be invaluable.

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And if you’re winning at Powerball, you can hire people to make movies.

You know those stories about a filmmaker who maxed out every credit card and spent all their savings and retirement in a mad gamble at success? In those stories, just as this debt is about to rebound back, the gamble pays off, the movie is wildly successful, and everything turns out great?

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Plus, it adds adventure to your life!

Find those people who — when presented with a problem — ask “How can we make this work so we can keep moving forward?” Those are great people to have on set. Cultivate those connections.

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And check for humming technicians, too.

If you’re getting a hum in your sound, replace your cables with shielded cables, or new cables, or at least don’t run them next to or across power cables. Make sure they’re properly grounded.

Certain tasks should never be randomly assigned.

If you have a pyrotechnical device, never leave the arming key in the firing system if you have to walk away from it… NO EXCEPTIONS. And yes, you have an arming key, the removal of which will make the effect impossible to trigger. Of course you do.

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Really, Beware of Thunder!

Before you plan a shoot, record the ambient sound from the location and go somewhere else and really listen to it. Make sure you aren’t missing something that’s going to bedevil you later, such as an elevator, nearby crowd noises, crashing sounds from across the street, whatever. It’s usually easier to find a new location than to clean up crap audio.

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Nobody likes a Chatty-Cathy

Storytelling and dialogue are not the same thing. If no one gets the story, it’s not because there isn’t enough dialogue — it’s because the story doesn’t make sense. In fact, if you think you might need more dialogue, you probably need less.

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Study the Secrets!

A great source of quickie tutorials is the B&H site: BHPhotoVideo.com.

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Nobody Wins Anyway

Don’t fight. Seriously. Yes, there will be disagreements. Yes, there will be frustrations. Yes, there will be setbacks. That is normal. But please, don’t fight about it. There’s no need to yell or shout or scream or whinge on.

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Who needs a working brain?!

You know those little adapters that let you plug a three-prong plug into a two-hole socket? Don’t use those.

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Stop mumbling!

There are a lot of things you can fix in editing, but crappy line delivery isn’t one of them.

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But never allow a brogue delivery!

If you’re actors want to try a variation of a line, get the scripted line first, and then let them try their variations (assuming you have the time, of course).

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Unless you’re in the middle of the Giggle Loop™.

It’s not necessary that you weep at your sad scenes and laugh at your comic scenes, but if you don’t with some consistency, maybe you might want to think about rewriting them.

Sometimes all of the above.

For certain types of shots, recognize when more is better and communicate that to your crew. For example, more gore, more blood, more vomit, more air coming out of the wind machine.

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And it’s rarely in HD.

You might think having a setpiece that consists of video monitors tracking action all over a location is a cool thing, and in a lot of ways it can be, but think of each one of those video feeds as a completely separate short movie you have to make before you make the movie.

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…assuming you have a trailer.

The night before a shoot, check all costumes, props, locations, actors, gear, food, and crew. make sure everything’s ready. Make sure batteries are charging, tapes are striping*, etc.

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Your mom always loves your work.

It’s okay to run a script by a buddy or two, but don’t go overboard.

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

“Seeds” to premiere at the Portland Horror Film Festival.

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Dateline February 6, 2023 — I am interviewed on the Francy and Friends podcast.

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Unless it’s a really masterful master shot…

Don’t spend all your time getting the master shot. A master shot is important, true, but you need to get coverage, other angles, lots of things for your editor to use.

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Unless it’s a convertible.

Always lock your car doors when you go on set, and keep valuable hidden. Better yet, keep valuables either at home or on your person. Sure, it’s a closed set, and sure, everybody’s buddies, and sure, there’s Security keeping an eye on everything, but still. Lock your car.

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Stranger Danger!

If it’s not a small set or a closed set (well, why isn’t it?), make sure that the people who are supposed to be there (cast & crew) have badges or some other clear and obvious identifier. Everybody should keep their eyes out for people who don’t have this identifier.

No one likes feeling dumb.

Never underestimate the audience — they are smarter than you think, and they will get the joke.

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Explosive charges might not be a good idea.

Actors should never be allowed to take costume gear off set. You don’t have to keep their clothes hostage, but it can help.

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Finger-count must remain consistent.

Everybody working lights should get a pair of gloves. Even a cheap-o dollar-store pair of gloves is better than nothing. Lights can get very hot and you don’t want second-degree burns becoming a “badge of honor” on your sets. Spring for gloves.

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Eating’s kind of disgusting to watch.

Continuity’s even more important: Dinner scenes are really, really challenging because you have to make sure chicken legs don’t magically heal from one scene to the next. Pay close attention to who is eating what — or just plan to shoot around the plates.

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And then get back to work on the next one.

Make a big noise when you finish something. Celebrate, dammit — finishing a movie is a Significant Event!

Or none, for that matter.

Continuity’s still important! If you’re using a revolver in your movie, make sure the bullet counts are accurate. Nothing makes you look more dorky than a character talking about how she only has one bullet left when the viewer can plainly see five.

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And always look at jewelry.

Continuity’s important. For each “movie” day, make a quick sketch of what each character’s wearing and make sure you double-check that sketch against what you’re shooting. This is not something you can easily fix in post.

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“It’s pretty nice work, considering the source…”

You may run across people who try to discourage you. They may not even mean to do it, but whenever you talk with them, you’re discouraged. Your best defense is the following mantra: “Just get the shot.” Most of the folks who are discouraging are really trying to discourage themselves. Don’t buy into their limitations.

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That’s not technically a “special effect,” there…

Regarding cables, lights, power supplies and other things plugged into the wall: These things should not get hot. If they feel hot to you, tell someone immediately. You don’t want them getting any hotter, and you definitely don’t want them to start smoking or burst into flame.

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It still beats low-budget CGI!

A dog isn’t a werewolf, but careful application of camera angles, cuts, reaction shots, and good interesting sound can fool most anyone.

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Artsy blue-green color grading notwithstanding…

If you’re using a monitor (which you are, right?), then do your best to calibrate it. Calibration is simply setting the contrast, brightness, color levels, and other controls to be as accurate as possible.

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Do you see what I see?

Always use a monitor so that you can see what the camera sees without making your DoP move. On rare occasions, a monitor is contraindicated, but those are very rare occasions. You always want to know what the camera’s seeing.

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No, higher than that.

If you must use a sprinkler to simulate rain, position it high enough so it doesn’t look like someone’s peeing on your actors.

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Plus, they eat your food.

Yes, being on a film set can be fun, but think very hard before allowing people on set who are neither cast not crew. They can be dangerous wildcards.

“Oh, we thought he was with you!“

Spooky locations where mischief can happen invite mischief, such as dark woods, insane asylums, corn mazes, etc. Assign people to buddy groups for safety.

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Time for a gritty remake of Empty Room?

The fewer the actors, the fewer the sets, the fewer effects, the simpler the movie will be to make. Be realistic about what you can chew before you bite.

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Be a good camper!

If you’re shooting at a natural location, such as a beach or a forest, when you’re all done, pass out trash bags and everybody wander around picking up trash and making it prettier. Not just your production’s stuff, but spread out. Make your group the Entropy Decreasing Group.

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Hellbender Media is thrilled and delighted with Black Bed Sheet Books for the publication of the novel The Blood-Red Night of Hatchet Valley. The book is now available wherever books are sold. Digital version for e-readers are also available.

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Welcome to November 2022’s edition of Invocation, Hellbender Media’s email newsletter. We remain happy as a clam that you’ve joined us. And we speak fluent clam, so we know!

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Not so great for adult films, though.

If you want someone to move very, very creepy in a movie, have them move backwards and reverse the video. If they move quickly, the illusion is blown, but if they move slowly and in a somewhat linear fashion, the audience won’t q-u-i-t-e know what’s going on, and that’ll freak ‘em out.

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And who really needs a highly trained cat with what CGI can do these days…?

Seagulls will act for breadcrumbs. So will pigeons and doves (even in slow motion!).

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Everybody pays attention to loud rain.

If you’re filming something that’s supposed to take place when it’s raining, get everything wet. Roads, sets, actors, everything. People might or might not notice rain on the video, but they will notice things not being wet.

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Death can be funny — if you give it time.

If you’re coming off a funny scene, give the next scene a few seconds to let your audience shift gears. If you don’t, then no one will ever hear whatever’s said in that scene, because they’ll be too busy laughing.

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A rising tide lifts all ships.

Share cast and crew links with your gang. For example: http://www.mandy.com/

And wear boots!

Find out before you go how far a hike it is out to the location. Make sure everybody knows — you don’t want to lose an hour hiking at the wrong part of the day.

You really need those fingers.

It is okay to call a halt if you don’t feel a pyro or other effect is safe, or you suddenly see something that looks very wrong. It may screw up the shot, but wasting time or money is far preferable to wasting lives.

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“…This one’s eating my popcorn!”

Punchlines work best at the end of the joke. This goes for a verbal punchline, a visual punchline, a story punchline, whatever. Set it up with the audience, let them build up a little interest in the Anticipation Bank, and then deliver the punchline.

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We can replace interns!

Tape every cord down, except for under the tripods and C-stands, lights, etc. You don’t want people tripping over cords.

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Avoid international castigation.

Unless there’s a voice coach involved, really think about it before you use non-native accents. People are usually excited being in a movie and will go overboard and their lines pretty much become unintelligible.

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

If an AI had it bad for an organic, would it be brilliant, awkward, or all three? How might it try to express itself?

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Hellbender Media is thrilled and proud to sign with Black Bed Sheet Book for the publication of the novel The Blood-Red Night of Hatchet Valley. The book has a tentative release date before the end of 2022.

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Plus, celebrating is fun.

If you find out it’s someone’s birthday, take five and congratulate ’em, as a crew. Birthdays are fun.

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Safer, too.

If you don’t have a Big Giant Machine to film (Big Giant Machines are very expensive props, so no one will blame you if you can’t get one), film people complaining about the sound of the Big Giant Machine just off-screen and then add the sound in post.

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Or buy a typewriter, ya pansy!

You don’t need fancy software to write a script — any word processor will do. The thing to remember is that no matter how much you spend on software and learning curve time, you’re basically producing a document that’s supposed to look like it came out of a 1920’s typewriter.

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It is what it is.

If people laugh, it’s funny. If they don’t laugh, it wasn’t funny.

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Or it can be a DVD extra!

Stick with the ending you planned.

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Or call it an “art piece”

If you’re wearing a portable mike, learn how to shut it off before you go to the bathroom.

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It sure would save time if we could really do this, though…

Security camera footage usually comes from high in corners. Please don’t just re-use normal footage when simulating a security camera. Strap a Handicam or something up in the corner and do it right. It’s just another angle.

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Bang!

If an effect demonstration is going to make noise, warn people ahead of time so they don’t freak out and think something’s gone wrong. Freaking out should be avoided.

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You didn’t read this here.

I’m not going to tell you not to film without insurance, because that would be very unwise. That said, many of us find that expediency, budget, and wisdom don’t always go hand-in-hand.

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Nobody wants to use tubes.

The easier it is to get in and out of your ground-breaking weird sci-fi costumes, the less the actors will curse your name whenever they have to pee.

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Hellbender Media is thrilled and proud that our feature script The Blood-Red Night of Hatchet Valley is a finalist at Oregon Scream Week.

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Local paper features resident filmmaker. And a big skull.

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

“The Ringing of the Abyss”, a new short story, has been chosen for inclusion in the 2021 anthology “Challenge from Beyond” which features a collection of micro-shorts, and is released in tandem with the annual H. P. Lovecraft Film Festival.

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

The Dream-Quest of Unknown Kadath to play at The Danish Film Institute/Cinematheque

Hellbender Media’s first feature film, the animated adventures of an audacious dreamer, has been selected for Denmark’s prestigious film festival.

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Somewhere, there’s a big box of tribbles.

Having extra props means you have extra gifts at the end of production to give particularly hard-working people. People love souvenirs. Sure, maybe they end up selling them on e-Bay, but think of it as trickle-down economics.

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…or lost in a lake. Just sayin’…

If you have a special hero prop, try to make twice as many as you might need. If you need four “phase pistols,” make eight. You definitely won’t regret it.

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A tip o’ the hat…

Unless there’s something hidden under the hats, avoid hats on characters. All you’ll get is a lot of hat-acting.

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Although the outtakes are awesome!

If it’s an intense scene, try to not crack jokes getting ready for it.

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It’s like being a superhero.

If you’re crewing, bring a pair of gloves. Even cheapo dollar store gloves.

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3D in a relatively painless fashion

Blender is a fine way to start producing 3-D and it’s free.

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Unless the price of gold skyrockets.

There’s usually a difference in quality between really, really cheap cables and reasonably priced cables.

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Plus, you live in a glass house.

Even if you had a crappy time on set, keep it to yourself.

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“Stable” means “tripod,” by the way.

You can use an ordinary digital camera as an animation camera, as long as you can set it for the proper resolution and remote-shutter it.

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But not all in the same closet, please.

Make sure your location has running water, sinks, toilets, garbage service, and toilet paper. If it doesn’t, you need to supply this yourself.

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Rose City Underground episode Earthsong to play at Portland Horror Film Festival

Hellbender Media’s upcoming web series Rose City Underground explores a dark fantasy underpinning beneath the city of Portland. Its premiere episode Earthsong has been selected to play at the Portland Horror Film Festival.

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Stretch those chewy hamstrings!

Before you do stunts or other physically demanding action, take a few minutes to stretch and limber up. There’s a reason zombie hunters do it!

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Bingo! A spiny pee fish!

Please don’t ever have a character say “We’ve got company” to announce the arrival of monsters, bad guys, or other undesirables. You can do better. Likewise, “Bingo!” should probably never be used outside of the actual bingo parlor context.

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Hush!

If you can hear “Quiet on the set!” before a take, then that includes you.

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And this isn’t some European movie, now!

Always know what emotion you want your audience to feel, for every character, for every scene, and at the end of the movie. This is your compass, and as long as you follow it, you’ll always stay on track.

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Cinder blocks are sturdy.

Make your props out of something sturdy. Cardboard and balsa wood will shatter if you look at it cross-eyed.

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Naked sets are boring.

Dress your set. Walls have pictures, tables have things on them, shelves are sometimes in disarray.

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A short…. Look — a bunny!

You don’t have to make a feature every single time. You can make a short movie, ten minutes long. Or five minutes. Or even a minute long.

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Ackbar’s right, you know…

If you can set your computer up such that it can have no connectivity (such as an alternate hardware profile or a radios switch) as a bootup choice, do so and label that position “Working.” Keeps you off the Interwebs when you’re trying to get work done.

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Don’t Blow It!

If you’ve got scene cards, but you haven’t written the script yet, please number the scene cards.

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We’ve got the pow-ah!

Your location owner might have to lock their doors after a certain time, but if you ask nice, they might let you run an extension cord or two out through a little hole. Then, you can leave ’em coiled up after you’re done and come by in the morning and pick all your cords back up.

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Still, we managed.

If you’re going out on location, set up all your gear first, at the studio or at home, and then break it down into your van or car. This way, you know you have everything you need in the transport vessel.

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What did you expect for Tip #69?!

Don’t sleep with your leads, your stars. Sure, they’re attractive as crazy, but right now, your priority is making a movie.

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Choose Wisely

Trust your Assistant Director. If you can’t, then at least figure out what your expectations should be and make sure the two of you are on the same page. If your AD is both untrustworthy and unpredictable, get a new AD.

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Aieee!

Easy on using the Wilhelm Scream as a sound effect. Ten years ago, it was cute, but nowadays enough people know of it that using it actually distracts from your movie and breaks the story.

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Plus, fighting is cool!

Make every character a character that an actor can read and respond with “Man, this would be so awesome to play!”

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One-night music stand.

Don’t marry your temporary music score. It’s temporary for a reason.\

And now, a moment of silence…

Get at least one minute of clean ambient sound from every location. This is very important.

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Not to be confused with “hobo glue,” which is something completely different.

The same technique that will help you write a script will help you complete a movie: bum glue.

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But order it in advance!

If you have to rent a van, rent a van. It’s only about a hundred bucks a day, but think of what that hundred bucks gets you: You don’t have to worry about who’s bringing what piece of gear. Everybody just brings everything the few nights before to one location, and the night before, you pack it all in one van.

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