Dateline February 6, 2023 — I am interviewed on the Francy and Friends podcast.

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Unless it’s a really masterful master shot…

Don’t spend all your time getting the master shot. A master shot is important, true, but you need to get coverage, other angles, lots of things for your editor to use.

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Unless it’s a convertible.

Always lock your car doors when you go on set, and keep valuable hidden. Better yet, keep valuables either at home or on your person. Sure, it’s a closed set, and sure, everybody’s buddies, and sure, there’s Security keeping an eye on everything, but still. Lock your car.

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Stranger Danger!

If it’s not a small set or a closed set (well, why isn’t it?), make sure that the people who are supposed to be there (cast & crew) have badges or some other clear and obvious identifier. Everybody should keep their eyes out for people who don’t have this identifier.

No one likes feeling dumb.

Never underestimate the audience — they are smarter than you think, and they will get the joke.

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Explosive charges might not be a good idea.

Actors should never be allowed to take costume gear off set. You don’t have to keep their clothes hostage, but it can help.

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Finger-count must remain consistent.

Everybody working lights should get a pair of gloves. Even a cheap-o dollar-store pair of gloves is better than nothing. Lights can get very hot and you don’t want second-degree burns becoming a “badge of honor” on your sets. Spring for gloves.

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Eating’s kind of disgusting to watch.

Continuity’s even more important: Dinner scenes are really, really challenging because you have to make sure chicken legs don’t magically heal from one scene to the next. Pay close attention to who is eating what — or just plan to shoot around the plates.

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And then get back to work on the next one.

Make a big noise when you finish something. Celebrate, dammit — finishing a movie is a Significant Event!

Or none, for that matter.

Continuity’s still important! If you’re using a revolver in your movie, make sure the bullet counts are accurate. Nothing makes you look more dorky than a character talking about how she only has one bullet left when the viewer can plainly see five.

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And always look at jewelry.

Continuity’s important. For each “movie” day, make a quick sketch of what each character’s wearing and make sure you double-check that sketch against what you’re shooting. This is not something you can easily fix in post.

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“It’s pretty nice work, considering the source…”

You may run across people who try to discourage you. They may not even mean to do it, but whenever you talk with them, you’re discouraged. Your best defense is the following mantra: “Just get the shot.” Most of the folks who are discouraging are really trying to discourage themselves. Don’t buy into their limitations.

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That’s not technically a “special effect,” there…

Regarding cables, lights, power supplies and other things plugged into the wall: These things should not get hot. If they feel hot to you, tell someone immediately. You don’t want them getting any hotter, and you definitely don’t want them to start smoking or burst into flame.

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It still beats low-budget CGI!

A dog isn’t a werewolf, but careful application of camera angles, cuts, reaction shots, and good interesting sound can fool most anyone.

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Artsy blue-green color grading notwithstanding…

If you’re using a monitor (which you are, right?), then do your best to calibrate it. Calibration is simply setting the contrast, brightness, color levels, and other controls to be as accurate as possible.

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Do you see what I see?

Always use a monitor so that you can see what the camera sees without making your DoP move. On rare occasions, a monitor is contraindicated, but those are very rare occasions. You always want to know what the camera’s seeing.

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No, higher than that.

If you must use a sprinkler to simulate rain, position it high enough so it doesn’t look like someone’s peeing on your actors.

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Plus, they eat your food.

Yes, being on a film set can be fun, but think very hard before allowing people on set who are neither cast not crew. They can be dangerous wildcards.

“Oh, we thought he was with you!“

Spooky locations where mischief can happen invite mischief, such as dark woods, insane asylums, corn mazes, etc. Assign people to buddy groups for safety.

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Time for a gritty remake of Empty Room?

The fewer the actors, the fewer the sets, the fewer effects, the simpler the movie will be to make. Be realistic about what you can chew before you bite.

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Be a good camper!

If you’re shooting at a natural location, such as a beach or a forest, when you’re all done, pass out trash bags and everybody wander around picking up trash and making it prettier. Not just your production’s stuff, but spread out. Make your group the Entropy Decreasing Group.

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Hellbender Media is thrilled and delighted with Black Bed Sheet Books for the publication of the novel The Blood-Red Night of Hatchet Valley. The book is now available wherever books are sold. Digital version for e-readers are also available.

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Welcome to November 2022’s edition of Invocation, Hellbender Media’s email newsletter. We remain happy as a clam that you’ve joined us. And we speak fluent clam, so we know!

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Not so great for adult films, though.

If you want someone to move very, very creepy in a movie, have them move backwards and reverse the video. If they move quickly, the illusion is blown, but if they move slowly and in a somewhat linear fashion, the audience won’t q-u-i-t-e know what’s going on, and that’ll freak ‘em out.

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And who really needs a highly trained cat with what CGI can do these days…?

Seagulls will act for breadcrumbs. So will pigeons and doves (even in slow motion!).

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Everybody pays attention to loud rain.

If you’re filming something that’s supposed to take place when it’s raining, get everything wet. Roads, sets, actors, everything. People might or might not notice rain on the video, but they will notice things not being wet.

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Death can be funny — if you give it time.

If you’re coming off a funny scene, give the next scene a few seconds to let your audience shift gears. If you don’t, then no one will ever hear whatever’s said in that scene, because they’ll be too busy laughing.

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A rising tide lifts all ships.

Share cast and crew links with your gang. For example: http://www.mandy.com/

And wear boots!

Find out before you go how far a hike it is out to the location. Make sure everybody knows — you don’t want to lose an hour hiking at the wrong part of the day.

You really need those fingers.

It is okay to call a halt if you don’t feel a pyro or other effect is safe, or you suddenly see something that looks very wrong. It may screw up the shot, but wasting time or money is far preferable to wasting lives.

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“…This one’s eating my popcorn!”

Punchlines work best at the end of the joke. This goes for a verbal punchline, a visual punchline, a story punchline, whatever. Set it up with the audience, let them build up a little interest in the Anticipation Bank, and then deliver the punchline.

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We can replace interns!

Tape every cord down, except for under the tripods and C-stands, lights, etc. You don’t want people tripping over cords.

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Avoid international castigation.

Unless there’s a voice coach involved, really think about it before you use non-native accents. People are usually excited being in a movie and will go overboard and their lines pretty much become unintelligible.

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

If an AI had it bad for an organic, would it be brilliant, awkward, or all three? How might it try to express itself?

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Hellbender Media is thrilled and proud to sign with Black Bed Sheet Book for the publication of the novel The Blood-Red Night of Hatchet Valley. The book has a tentative release date before the end of 2022.

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Plus, celebrating is fun.

If you find out it’s someone’s birthday, take five and congratulate ’em, as a crew. Birthdays are fun.

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Safer, too.

If you don’t have a Big Giant Machine to film (Big Giant Machines are very expensive props, so no one will blame you if you can’t get one), film people complaining about the sound of the Big Giant Machine just off-screen and then add the sound in post.

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Or buy a typewriter, ya pansy!

You don’t need fancy software to write a script — any word processor will do. The thing to remember is that no matter how much you spend on software and learning curve time, you’re basically producing a document that’s supposed to look like it came out of a 1920’s typewriter.

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It is what it is.

If people laugh, it’s funny. If they don’t laugh, it wasn’t funny.

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Or it can be a DVD extra!

Stick with the ending you planned.

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Or call it an “art piece”

If you’re wearing a portable mike, learn how to shut it off before you go to the bathroom.

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It sure would save time if we could really do this, though…

Security camera footage usually comes from high in corners. Please don’t just re-use normal footage when simulating a security camera. Strap a Handicam or something up in the corner and do it right. It’s just another angle.

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Bang!

If an effect demonstration is going to make noise, warn people ahead of time so they don’t freak out and think something’s gone wrong. Freaking out should be avoided.

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You didn’t read this here.

I’m not going to tell you not to film without insurance, because that would be very unwise. That said, many of us find that expediency, budget, and wisdom don’t always go hand-in-hand.

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Nobody wants to use tubes.

The easier it is to get in and out of your ground-breaking weird sci-fi costumes, the less the actors will curse your name whenever they have to pee.

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Hellbender Media is thrilled and proud that our feature script The Blood-Red Night of Hatchet Valley is a finalist at Oregon Scream Week.

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Local paper features resident filmmaker. And a big skull.

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

“The Ringing of the Abyss”, a new short story, has been chosen for inclusion in the 2021 anthology “Challenge from Beyond” which features a collection of micro-shorts, and is released in tandem with the annual H. P. Lovecraft Film Festival.

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

The Dream-Quest of Unknown Kadath to play at The Danish Film Institute/Cinematheque

Hellbender Media’s first feature film, the animated adventures of an audacious dreamer, has been selected for Denmark’s prestigious film festival.

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Somewhere, there’s a big box of tribbles.

Having extra props means you have extra gifts at the end of production to give particularly hard-working people. People love souvenirs. Sure, maybe they end up selling them on e-Bay, but think of it as trickle-down economics.

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…or lost in a lake. Just sayin’…

If you have a special hero prop, try to make twice as many as you might need. If you need four “phase pistols,” make eight. You definitely won’t regret it.

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A tip o’ the hat…

Unless there’s something hidden under the hats, avoid hats on characters. All you’ll get is a lot of hat-acting.

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Although the outtakes are awesome!

If it’s an intense scene, try to not crack jokes getting ready for it.

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It’s like being a superhero.

If you’re crewing, bring a pair of gloves. Even cheapo dollar store gloves.

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3D in a relatively painless fashion

Blender is a fine way to start producing 3-D and it’s free.

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Unless the price of gold skyrockets.

There’s usually a difference in quality between really, really cheap cables and reasonably priced cables.

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Plus, you live in a glass house.

Even if you had a crappy time on set, keep it to yourself.

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“Stable” means “tripod,” by the way.

You can use an ordinary digital camera as an animation camera, as long as you can set it for the proper resolution and remote-shutter it.

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But not all in the same closet, please.

Make sure your location has running water, sinks, toilets, garbage service, and toilet paper. If it doesn’t, you need to supply this yourself.

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Rose City Underground episode Earthsong to play at Portland Horror Film Festival

Hellbender Media’s upcoming web series Rose City Underground explores a dark fantasy underpinning beneath the city of Portland. Its premiere episode Earthsong has been selected to play at the Portland Horror Film Festival.

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Stretch those chewy hamstrings!

Before you do stunts or other physically demanding action, take a few minutes to stretch and limber up. There’s a reason zombie hunters do it!

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Bingo! A spiny pee fish!

Please don’t ever have a character say “We’ve got company” to announce the arrival of monsters, bad guys, or other undesirables. You can do better. Likewise, “Bingo!” should probably never be used outside of the actual bingo parlor context.

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Hush!

If you can hear “Quiet on the set!” before a take, then that includes you.

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And this isn’t some European movie, now!

Always know what emotion you want your audience to feel, for every character, for every scene, and at the end of the movie. This is your compass, and as long as you follow it, you’ll always stay on track.

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Cinder blocks are sturdy.

Make your props out of something sturdy. Cardboard and balsa wood will shatter if you look at it cross-eyed.

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Naked sets are boring.

Dress your set. Walls have pictures, tables have things on them, shelves are sometimes in disarray.

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A short…. Look — a bunny!

You don’t have to make a feature every single time. You can make a short movie, ten minutes long. Or five minutes. Or even a minute long.

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Ackbar’s right, you know…

If you can set your computer up such that it can have no connectivity (such as an alternate hardware profile or a radios switch) as a bootup choice, do so and label that position “Working.” Keeps you off the Interwebs when you’re trying to get work done.

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Don’t Blow It!

If you’ve got scene cards, but you haven’t written the script yet, please number the scene cards.

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We’ve got the pow-ah!

Your location owner might have to lock their doors after a certain time, but if you ask nice, they might let you run an extension cord or two out through a little hole. Then, you can leave ’em coiled up after you’re done and come by in the morning and pick all your cords back up.

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Still, we managed.

If you’re going out on location, set up all your gear first, at the studio or at home, and then break it down into your van or car. This way, you know you have everything you need in the transport vessel.

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What did you expect for Tip #69?!

Don’t sleep with your leads, your stars. Sure, they’re attractive as crazy, but right now, your priority is making a movie.

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Choose Wisely

Trust your Assistant Director. If you can’t, then at least figure out what your expectations should be and make sure the two of you are on the same page. If your AD is both untrustworthy and unpredictable, get a new AD.

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Aieee!

Easy on using the Wilhelm Scream as a sound effect. Ten years ago, it was cute, but nowadays enough people know of it that using it actually distracts from your movie and breaks the story.

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Plus, fighting is cool!

Make every character a character that an actor can read and respond with “Man, this would be so awesome to play!”

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One-night music stand.

Don’t marry your temporary music score. It’s temporary for a reason.\

And now, a moment of silence…

Get at least one minute of clean ambient sound from every location. This is very important.

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Not to be confused with “hobo glue,” which is something completely different.

The same technique that will help you write a script will help you complete a movie: bum glue.

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But order it in advance!

If you have to rent a van, rent a van. It’s only about a hundred bucks a day, but think of what that hundred bucks gets you: You don’t have to worry about who’s bringing what piece of gear. Everybody just brings everything the few nights before to one location, and the night before, you pack it all in one van.

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Don’t be shocked!

Fix or repair broken cords, and do it right. If you can’t do it right, then cut them up and throw them away.

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And Dinner!

Remember you have a life outside of production. Everybody else does, too.

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Call it “Gravitas”

If you are using any miniatures (whether motorized or not, but especially if motorized), fill ’em with lead, wax, anything that’ll dry solid.

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Win This One!

It’s that time of year. If you’re a screenwriter, you can do a lot worse than winning or even placing in the Nicholl Fellowship.

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Noodles are for lunch!

You can noodle on a project forever. There will always be things you can fix, always things you can nudge, but that’s not progress — that’s stalling.

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Including conversations between takes, mind you…

Whoever’s holding the microphone boom pole needs headphones. They must be able to hear what the microphone’s picking up.

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Tension Breeds Resentment

When taping cables and cords down, always leave a very generous series of loops at each C-stand, tripod, or workstation. This is so you can move stuff around without retaping.

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Remember, though, that power corrupts.

If you don’t know who your boss is on set, then your boss is the Director. This doesn’t mean who gets to boss you around, it means who helps keep you steady-on with your piece of the big puzzle.

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The Wind Sounded Great!

ADR (depending on who you ask) is Automatic Dialogue Replacement. That’s when your actors come in to the studio and record lines over the outside crappy recording from on set. Pretty much every time you record outside, or in a noisy environment (such as a non-studio), you’re going to have to record ADR. Just plan for it.

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Keep an eye on the right things at the right times.

Always check your monitor to make sure you’re happy with your framing, but after that, watch your actors.

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The “Scotty Method” isn’t real.

If the makeup you want is going to take half an hour or an hour to apply, plan for that time. Don’t assume your makeup person is lying about how long it’ll take.

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Leave No Trace!

It’s worth it to buy actual gaffer’s tape. Duct tape leaves a residue and you don’t want that residue on your gear, on your cords, on your host’s carpets, walls, or furniture. Gaffer’s tape is clean.

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Still not a safety line, however…

When connecting one extension cord to another, or an extension cord to a light, try to always tie the cords in a knot before connecting them. That way, if the cords are pulled in opposite directions, they tighten instead of pulling loose.

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“Sudden Massive Tissue Loss” +100 points!

When loading shells in a mortar, try to drop them in with your non-dominant hand (if you’re right-handed, drop with the left hand). That way, if you experience Sudden Massive Tissue Loss, you still have your favorite hand.

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When’s the last time you read the script?

Your Script Supervisor is supposed to get in your face and interfere — their job is to make sure you aren’t screwing anything up. Listen to what’s being said.

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Look! The Sun!

Network, network, network! Meet other people making movies! You’re all in this together and you all offer unique talents. Yes, there’s a lot to be said for keeping your head down and working, but once in a while, you need to get out and meet other filmmakers.

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The world needs more ‘Lerts.

Be secure. Lock your personal stuff in your car or keep it on your person.

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“Fourple”

On a low budget movie set, a lot of people have double, triple, or fourple duties. On a low budget set, “fourple” is a word. No matter what you’re supposed to be doing, chances are, you’ll wind up doing some other things, too.

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After he destroys the Ring, of course.

You can’t just eject the warp core and hope a matter/antimatter explosion will produce a shock wave that let’s you surf out of the event horizon. That’s stupid. Find a more down-to-Earth solution to problems for your story.

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Wish there was a spray for ‘em.

Watch out for drama queens. Drama belongs in front of the camera, not behind it. If they are indispensable, contain them severely. If they are not indispensable, dispense with them.

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Except when they’re in the bathroom.

When writing a script, keep track of each character, and always try to know what they’re doing at any given point in the narrative, even if we never see it in the script or in the movie. Doing this helps keep the timing right, and the rhythm of the movie benefits from it.

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