Nobody likes a Chatty-Cathy

Storytelling and dialogue are not the same thing. If no one gets the story, it’s not because there isn’t enough dialogue — it’s because the story doesn’t make sense. In fact, if you think you might need more dialogue, you probably need less.

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Unless you’re in the middle of the Giggle Loop™.

It’s not necessary that you weep at your sad scenes and laugh at your comic scenes, but if you don’t with some consistency, maybe you might want to think about rewriting them.

Your mom always loves your work.

It’s okay to run a script by a buddy or two, but don’t go overboard.

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No one likes feeling dumb.

Never underestimate the audience — they are smarter than you think, and they will get the joke.

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And who really needs a highly trained cat with what CGI can do these days…?

Seagulls will act for breadcrumbs. So will pigeons and doves (even in slow motion!).

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“…This one’s eating my popcorn!”

Punchlines work best at the end of the joke. This goes for a verbal punchline, a visual punchline, a story punchline, whatever. Set it up with the audience, let them build up a little interest in the Anticipation Bank, and then deliver the punchline.

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Or buy a typewriter, ya pansy!

You don’t need fancy software to write a script — any word processor will do. The thing to remember is that no matter how much you spend on software and learning curve time, you’re basically producing a document that’s supposed to look like it came out of a 1920’s typewriter.

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Bingo! A spiny pee fish!

Please don’t ever have a character say “We’ve got company” to announce the arrival of monsters, bad guys, or other undesirables. You can do better. Likewise, “Bingo!” should probably never be used outside of the actual bingo parlor context.

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Don’t Blow It!

If you’ve got scene cards, but you haven’t written the script yet, please number the scene cards.

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Plus, fighting is cool!

Make every character a character that an actor can read and respond with “Man, this would be so awesome to play!”

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Not to be confused with “hobo glue,” which is something completely different.

The same technique that will help you write a script will help you complete a movie: bum glue.

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After he destroys the Ring, of course.

You can’t just eject the warp core and hope a matter/antimatter explosion will produce a shock wave that let’s you surf out of the event horizon. That’s stupid. Find a more down-to-Earth solution to problems for your story.

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Except when they’re in the bathroom.

When writing a script, keep track of each character, and always try to know what they’re doing at any given point in the narrative, even if we never see it in the script or in the movie. Doing this helps keep the timing right, and the rhythm of the movie benefits from it.

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Or even a Furby!

Anyone who thinks animation has to be hyper-realistic in order to be emotionally connective never cried watching Bambi. Conversely, the more realistic an animation is, unless it is indistinguishable from real life, the creepier it is, even if it’s supposed to be happy. At best, you can achieve a creepy sort of happy. Usually, that becomes a “fail.”

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Plus, audiences have a short attention span.

It’s probably the case that someone else has done it before, but don’t let that worry you. No one’s done it quite like you plan to, and for each story out there, there are a million variations.

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Sand makes for a terrible foundation

Make sure the story makes sense and the script makes sense before you start. Cause and effect should make sense. Motivations should be pretty clear. What happens at different times and places should be obvious. The script is the blueprint, and everybody uses it. Where it’s weak, everything else is weak.

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