Nobody likes a Chatty-Cathy

Storytelling and dialogue are not the same thing. If no one gets the story, it’s not because there isn’t enough dialogue — it’s because the story doesn’t make sense. In fact, if you think you might need more dialogue, you probably need less.

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Unless you’re in the middle of the Giggle Loop™.

It’s not necessary that you weep at your sad scenes and laugh at your comic scenes, but if you don’t with some consistency, maybe you might want to think about rewriting them.

Your mom always loves your work.

It’s okay to run a script by a buddy or two, but don’t go overboard.

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No one likes feeling dumb.

Never underestimate the audience — they are smarter than you think, and they will get the joke.

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“…This one’s eating my popcorn!”

Punchlines work best at the end of the joke. This goes for a verbal punchline, a visual punchline, a story punchline, whatever. Set it up with the audience, let them build up a little interest in the Anticipation Bank, and then deliver the punchline.

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Or buy a typewriter, ya pansy!

You don’t need fancy software to write a script — any word processor will do. The thing to remember is that no matter how much you spend on software and learning curve time, you’re basically producing a document that’s supposed to look like it came out of a 1920’s typewriter.

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It is what it is.

If people laugh, it’s funny. If they don’t laugh, it wasn’t funny.

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Bingo! A spiny pee fish!

Please don’t ever have a character say “We’ve got company” to announce the arrival of monsters, bad guys, or other undesirables. You can do better. Likewise, “Bingo!” should probably never be used outside of the actual bingo parlor context.

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And this isn’t some European movie, now!

Always know what emotion you want your audience to feel, for every character, for every scene, and at the end of the movie. This is your compass, and as long as you follow it, you’ll always stay on track.

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Not to be confused with “hobo glue,” which is something completely different.

The same technique that will help you write a script will help you complete a movie: bum glue.

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After he destroys the Ring, of course.

You can’t just eject the warp core and hope a matter/antimatter explosion will produce a shock wave that let’s you surf out of the event horizon. That’s stupid. Find a more down-to-Earth solution to problems for your story.

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Except when they’re in the bathroom.

When writing a script, keep track of each character, and always try to know what they’re doing at any given point in the narrative, even if we never see it in the script or in the movie. Doing this helps keep the timing right, and the rhythm of the movie benefits from it.

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